snippets of conversation

Discussion with one of my ladies when I was running late

'I have got to go' I apologised 'because I have got to get to my next gentleman out of bed'

'You don't have to wash him as well, do you?'

'yes'

'Even his, you know.......(hushed voice) .... willy'

(hushed voice) 'Yes'

'Yuk! The thought of it makes me feel sick. I couldn't do it! especially if a little bit of.... you know.... dribble came out'

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Another lady at meal time

'There you go M'dear, a nice ham sandwich for your supper'

'Thank you,  let me take my teeth out so I can eat it'

This turned out to be a bit more serious as her denture hurt when she ate, so I spoke to the family about a trip to the dentist

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Whilst I was showering one of my ladies and was about to clean her nether regions,  she innocently asked...... 

'Can you check to see if my pussy is OK.'
She was of course talking about her cat.
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 Quote from a lady at a care home social event
 'Why do they call them coffee mornings, when we all drink tea?'
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Random comment from a lady who feels the need to share this sort of information on a regular basis
'I finally went to the toilet today. You won't believe how messy it was' 'It was the messiest poo ever and took me ages to clean up.' etc...........
As if I would really want to know
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Whilst chatting to a lady who had recently had a fall and needed more care than normal, I suggested that I could help her in the shower
'My God No! I am not letting you anywhere near my Minnie mouse'
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A Lady looking up at some old bibles on the top shelf of her library
'Do you Know?  When I was able to get about more , I used to dust those bibles religiously every week
==========================================================================
'Do you know Harry Rednapp picks the players for all the teams'
'What every football team?'
'Oh Yes!'
'So he must know who is going to win'
'Ah! with a wink 'Now you are cottoning on.'
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talking to one of my ladies tonight who said 'I had Spicy bean burger in BHS today, My friend thought it was really spicy, I thought it was quite bland'.
I replied that's a shame, I made a sausage casserole tonight which had leeks, garlic, carrot, baked beans, turmeric and curry powder in it, you probably would have liked that instead.
'Oh no, not for me thanks, I don't like spicy food!'
'But you said the bean burger wasn't spicy enough for you'
'That's right, I think it must just be different recipes, some are and some aren't'
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Quote from my 100 year old lady today 'You know what dear, I think I am getting old.'
Second quote from her
'Do you know, I went out today and whilst sitting in the square looking at all the people, I came to the conclusion I'm wearing the wrong clothes'
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Had to smile today. My ears are blocked up with wax so I can't hear very well. So as I entered each house call I apologised for the fact that I might be a bit deaf today, and without exception they all said 'Pardon!'
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Elderly gentleman with dementia who has been going round on a loop asking and saying the same thing for about an hour, approaches another resident in our care home who has all her faculties.
'I didn't come in here to die'
'Didn't you Duck? What did you come for then?'

The daily routine

During my short time as a care worker I have discovered that routine is probably one of the most important things for my ladies and gents. They like to know who is coming and at what time, then more importantly, what we are doing in what order when we arrive. If I have a new carer going in to see one of my people I will always make a point of running through the order that I do things; Not only does this help the person we are caring for but also helps us as carers complete the call within the time allowed. People with dementia obviously need this routine more than anyone else but It was not until recently that I realised how much the things we say can also become part of that routine.






I have been looking after Brian for about six weeks now and quickly got him into a routine. As he sits on the chair of the stair lift I say (as I do with a lot of people) 'first floor ladies lingerie,' to which he will always chuckle and reminisce about the TV programme 'Are you being served'. Then when we get to the shower I  regale him with a verse of singing in the rain. which he dutifully joins in with; He has a little green pouch with his money in, so a burst of The Robin Hood theme has to be sung as I put it on the bedside cabinet for him, and so on.






The other night I went in and Brian had got very distressed about a family matter and his wife was almost at the end of her tether trying to calm him down. As with a lot of dementia patients he had become fixated on the problem and would not let it go despite several reassurances. It is in these circumstances that staying calm when all round you are not is the best policy. A change of subject was needed but I was not sure how, so I decided to just start getting him ready for bed, I coaxed Brian out of his chair and helped him as he unsteadily made his way to the chair lift. He was extremely confused and barely seemed to know what was going on.


As he sat in the chair of the stair lift I chipped in with my usual line 'First floor; Ladies lingerie'


Almost immediately, I could see the tension leaving his face as he looked up and chuckled 'Oh! It's you.' He then leant forward and gave me a hug.






It was one of those special moments that makes being a care worker worth while.




It also occurred to me, that my little one liners and songs are what identifies me to a lot of people with dementia,  His short term memory did not pick up on my face but my daily routine performance.

the water jug

Meals on wheels is a life line for a large number of elderly people. They provide a hot meal every day served on a plate from a friendly smiling face. The food is wholesome and provides a balanced diet for many who can't be bothered to cook and start to neglect their health. Like care workers, they are also another contact with the outside world for what would otherwise be a lonely existence. They also provide an information service to the elderly with various leaflets about health issues and awareness of cold calling fraudsters.





Earlier this year they gave all their customers a fleece blanket along with some instant hot drinks to help keep warm through the winter months.  I had to smile as I entered  each house and saw the now familiar black and white fleece folded on the side or laying on a lap.

'I see you have had a present from Meals on wheels' I would say to them
'Oh yes, isn't it lovely' and 'What a great idea' and 'It's keeping me nice and warm' came the regular replies.

No doubt pleased with the popularity of this gesture Meals on wheels tried again this week, giving a free water jug along with a letter explaining the importance of keeping hydrated. As a carer I thought this was a great idea as I calculated that 90 percent of my ladies and gents have had a urine infection at some time since I started and one gentleman has died.

Needless to say, I used the jug as a talking point, but unfortunately I was not greeted with the same positive responses as the blanket.

'Bloody thing taking up space'
'I can't drink all that in a day'
'I have spent all my life drinking tea, why should I start changing now?'
''I suppose it's some busy body up at the council trying to tell us what we should and shouldn't do again'
'You can tell those do gooders to stick their jug where the sun don't shine'

Coming from ladies and gentleman as old as a hundred who am I to argue; I obviously tried, but in most cases my protestations fell on deaf ears

I was beginning to get a bit wary about commenting on these unwanted gifts and receiving barrages of abuse;
There was one lady, however, that I was convinced would be pleased about her new jug. Despite having a lot of money, she would always make do with a coke bottle as her water receptacle, with myself and another carer always on the look out for a new one as a replacement when the old one got stale and began to smell.
'Why do I need to waste money on a proper jug when an old coke bottle will do' she would say
So as I entered her house I was pleased to see the new jug sitting on the side but dismayed to see it empty. Perhaps it had only just arrived I thought, so unperturbed and convinced she would be pleased with her new acquisition, I enquired if she liked it.

'Bloody thing, what a waste of time!' she replied
I was quite taken back by this retort and immediately started on my healthy living response.....
'But you need to drink plenty of water to stop urine infections'
'I know that!' she said
'And you of all people should know that'
'I know!'
'You had urine infection only last month'
'I know!
'And you could do with a new jug as those old coke bottles are unhygenic'
'I know!'
'So why are you not using it'
'Bloody thing leaks, it has a pin hole in the bottom, I fell asleep and woke up with water everywhere'

look on the bright side

I have the privilege of looking after a Centurion. She is a lovely lady who makes me smile with her no nonsense approach to life. We have some lovely conversations about her life as a child. One such story was how she regretted never learning to ride a bike. This was because her Father thought it inappropriate for girls to be riding bikes







Recently she has been under the weather and feeling a bit fed up with herself.
'It's terrible being old and living on your own' she said after the niceties had passed
'Yes, I can see that' I sympathised
'You don't see anyone from one day to the next, hardly anyone visits. Still what can you do? Read a newspaper; read a book, look out of the window;  I'm not one for watching television, so with these dark nights you end up going to bed at seven. It's no life you know' she continued
'I know, it must be lonely for you'
'Never mind dear' she said, bucking herself up ' It could be worse'
'How do you mean?' 
After a moments thought she smiled and said  'No bed!'

Mistaken Identity

Phylis lives all by herself rattling round in a huge house in the middle of nowhere. Because she has dementia, she gets very confused about what time of day it is and what we are coming in to do. I know that she particularly looks forward to my visits so I always try to stay patient with her as she repeats herself relentlessly throughout the call.  It's quite sad that all she really looks forward to in life is our four visits a day. As I leave she always wants to know how long she has to wait for the next carer to call and who it might be?

I had not seen her for about a week and was asked to go out to her at the last minute today because someone phoned in sick. As I enter the I hear her call from her sitting room.






'Hello, Who is it?
'It's Only Ian, Phylis'
'Oh Hello Ian. What have you come to do?'
'Well shall we go to the bathroom and get you washed, dressed and changed into some clean clothes'
'I hope you are a bit more 'with it' than last night'
'What do you mean?'
'Well you didn't seem to know what you were doing last night'
'I wasn't here Phylis'
'Yes you were, it took four attempts to get my pad on and you didn't even remember where the key was to lock up!'
'Definitely not me, I wasn't even working'
'I am sure he said his name was Ian'

'Then the penny dropped that we have another new carer called Ian working for us'

'Oh you mean Big Ian' I explained
'Why do you call him Big Ian?' she asked
'Because he is six foot five and I am five foot four'
'Oh that explains it, he does look like you though!

An hour later I happened to be speaking to BIG Ian to clarify a few things about some calls he was making that evening. I asked him how he got on with Phylis and he started laughing, it turned out that he had tried to put a new pad on with out taking the old one off and got in a right old pickle. I told him not to worry I have done similar things myself because you lose track with her continual bombardment of questions. He finished the story off by proudly repeating her passing words

'Thank you Ian you always make me laugh and I will always think of you as my friend'

I didn't have the heart to tell him that she thought she was talking to me.

Did I make you jump?

Maud is a lovely lady who is very hard of hearing. I will often make her jump when I arrive because the TV is on full blast and she has not realised that I have arrived. I spend most of my time communicating through sign language; be it pointing at things, a thumbs up or a simple T sign for a cup of tea. When I give her food I always show her the packaging to give her a choice and will stand in front of her with the plate of food to indicate it is time to sit at the table and eat. It was on one such occasion that she seemed a bit doddery walking with her frame to the table, so as she sat down  I placed my hand on her back. As with a lot of these situations it is very tight for space, making it awkward to help without being a hindrance. She immediately jumped in the air and nearly fell over. I quickly grabbed her and was obviously concerned that I had made her jump or worse still I had hurt her in some way. 
'I am sorry are you OK? Did I tread on your toes?' I shouted
'No I am just very ticklish' she giggled


As I look back it strikes me that it could be a turning point in our relationship as carer and patient ,because it seemed to break the barrier of her hearing problem and we chuckled for some time after as she ate her dinner

the new hearing aids

Derek is one of these men who is lucky enough or unlucky enough in his opinion to reach 100 years of age. He can still walk and can read a book in a day. Of late his hearing has deteriorated and this became the regular topic of conversation. Firstly because the nurses do not do home visits to syringe any more so he had to go to the surgery to have it done. Then his hearing was not much better so he invested a lot of money in custom hearing aids. On the first day after they had arrived I found him fiddling around trying to get them in his ear.
'They will have to go back they do not fit' he remonstrated
'Shall I try?' I offered
This is not as straight forward as might seem. There is obviously a left and right hearing aid and unlike the national health ones they are not so easy to differentiate. Also, because they fit snuggly in each ear they are quite tricky to fit. I eventually worked out there is blue and red writing to indicate left and right and life was ok.

Two days later.
'These hearing aids aren't working again'
'Have the batteries run out'
'What in two days, I can't afford to change them that often'
It was the batteries but you are supposed to slightly remove them at night to save the charge. Another problem solved, and everything seemed alright apart from the fact that he would regularly take them out during the day and then complain they were not working when he had not quite put them back in properly' Almost every time I went in I was greeted with
'These hearing aids don't work they will have to go back.'
Two weeks go by and the hearing aid saga is beginning to settle down until, I walk and find him really despondent.
'What's the problem?'
'These hearing aids, I have spent a lot of money on them and now I think they are too loud, I think I will have to go back and get them reset'
'Am I too loud?'
'No you are alright but it's when I watch television'
'Shall we try them out now'
'OK but it's no good'

I turned the TV on and the volume was through the roof; it was so loud I could not get to the remote control quick enough to turn it down from 35 to 10 on the volume control. He had obviously had it that loud before the hearing aids arrived and not adjusted it back.
When I turned it down he said

 'Oh I didn't know you could adjust them from there.'

The Bed Linen

A few of my calls as a care worker involve housework visits which involve anything from shopping to general housework duties. One chap I visit called Jack who is quite a petite gentle man, who I will usually find sitting quietly in his armchair staring at the walls. He has dementia but is generally ok providing his routine isn't disrupted; then you will see him pacing back and forth worrying over the smallest of things. One particular thing that sets him off and gets him very agitated is when I change his bed linen.
'Leave it 'til next week' he will say, 'I  don't want my daughter to be washing every week'
So as a compromise I started doing it every other week, even though this was still too often in his opinion.







After a month or so I got call from the office saying that his daughter had phoned to complain that I was not doing the sheets every week. I see this lady quite often and get on quite well with her, so next time we met I apologised and explained the reason why.

'I see what you are saying' she said 'but I still would like it done every week if possible.'
Then a thought struck me, 'How about if you buy two identical duvet sets and while he is in the shower I will quickly change them and put them in the laundry basket. As you do the washing anyway you can pick it up on the way out and he need never know'
'That is brilliant' she said 'I'll get some today'

So our plan was put into action with two new two tone blue duvet sets; all was going well until after a couple of months I walked in to find Jack pacing up and down.
'Are you ok Jack?'
'No! I am a bit annoyed with you!'
'Oh why is that?' I asked
'Well I have been thinking and I know I told you not to do the bed sheets every week, but I reckon you haven't done them for about 8 weeks. I have looked in the record of care book and you have been writing down that you do them every week!!!!!'

The waiting game

If you ever visit anyone in a care home the entry system involves punching in the number of the  person you are visiting and waiting while it rings for about 2 minutes before cancelling.







Whilst outside one of the care homes on a cold December morning waiting for a lady to answer the door, a gentleman walks up behind me.

'Hello' I said, 'If you like I can cancel ringing my people take an age to answer.'
'It's alright' he replied Mine does too, she's as deaf as a post'
So we stand there and eventually the ringing stops.
'How about if we take it in turns,' I suggest 'If you ring your person now and which ever one answers first means at least we can both get in the main door at the same time.'
So he punches in his number and we wait.

'It really is a nightmare getting them to the door' he says. ' they are usually asleep'
'I know the feeling, I have stood here for about ten minutes trying to get in before now'  I answered, conscious that this was turning into a competition as to who had the worst time trying to get in.
His number stopped ringing, so I punched in my number again.
'It's really quite frustrating as I am a care worker and have other calls to make'
'Yes, I have come by bus and want to get back by lunch time'

Again the ringing stops and my brother in arms takes his turn at trying to get in.
'Hello' comes a familiar voice through the speaker system
'Hello It's John' says the man.
Oh! come in John' and the door eventually opens
'Who are you visiting?' I ask.
'The Buntings'
'So am I.'

Point proven

Norman is a quiet little man who does not have much to say; I have often thought that this is because despite wearing aids, his hearing is quite bad. When I entered the house for the first time the house I could hear the television blasting out at full volume, so suggested putting subtitles on for him; I am not sure it really helped as it was still as loud the next day which makes it even harder to communicate with him because you are always competing with the telly. I spend most of my time shouting my self hoarse or writing notes. Despite all this he seems to understand what is going on around him and seems quite capable.

Just recently his daughter paid a visit and was concerned that he was becoming less able to look after himself. Despite her best efforts Norman flatly refused to consider going into a Care home. The daughter even visited our office to try and get him certified as incapable and my opinion was asked for. I expressed my feeling that there was nothing wrong with him, apart from the hearing issue which was isolating him from the world.

'But what about the fact he does not wear his care line pendant alarm!' She remonstrated
'They all do that now and again, it does not mean that they are losing their marbles' I replied
'He never seems to understand what has been said'
'As I have said, I think that a lot of the problem is hearing related'

No more was said, but the daughter still concerned about the pendant alarm, printed off a note saying  'Have you got your care line on!' and put it on his lounge door so that he could see it as he came out of his bedroom

The next day underneath the note written in a slightly shaky hand were the words 'OF COURSE'

point made I think

the simple things

Whilst preparing breakfast for one of my elderly ladies she commented
 'I don't know why my daughter always leaves porridge out, I don't even like the stuff; What's wrong with a simple boiled egg for goodness sake?'





As I was visiting her the following day, I made a point of taking a couple of eggs with me. Having got her dressed and without saying a word I took her into the lounge where her breakfast was waiting. I had made a point on presentation, cutting up the bead into soldiers and laying them into a neat circle around the eggs.

'Oh that's lovely my dear' What a lovely surprise, do you know my dear husband used to always serve eggs just like that on Sundays. You have made my day and brought back many happy memories'

It's nice to be back

I recently had a weeks holiday; there is nothing like a break to refresh your energy. However, in my job the return to work can be equally refreshing and if honest can massage my ego quite a bit. Everywhere I go, I am continually welcomed with comments like It's good to have you back' and 'We have missed your smiling face'. One lady even cancelled the calls whilst I was away because her special needs son wouldn't have anyone else but me.
Although all the remarks are lovely there was one reaction I was not expecting.
I visit a few ladies in residential homes and consequently speak to other people in passing. Pauline always has visitors from elsewhere in the home so I invariable end up making cups of tea for them as well as for Pauline.  One of these visitors is a 'special needs' lady called Andrea,  Despite seeing her on and off for the past year, she is always a bit stand offish and seems to flinch with any physical contact; even something as innocent as a touch of the hand. I always make a point of including her in conversation and often make her laugh with my child like humour.

Shortly after my holiday I was sitting with Pauline and about to leave when 
Andrea happened to walk in.

'Hello Ian you're back from holiday then' she said with a beaming smile
'Yes, Andrea how are you?' I asked
'I am fine thank you. I have missed you'

Then the unexpected happened, she came running over and gave me a hug and a kiss!

This simple act had a tear welling in my eye as I left the room

A spade is a spade

As a carer I have noticed that the elderly almost go back to childhood see blog http://thelightersideofcarework.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/be-careful-what-you-wish-for.html

A recent addition to this blog is that they say things as they are, much like a young child would.

For example, I have recently had a very nice man shadowing me called John.  He had finished his induction course and was following me round as the final part of his training. Like me, it is a complete career change for him and he was understandably a bit apprehensive about how he would get on. He was doing really well especially when he got to one call and he asked the lady if she would like a cup of tea.
'Oh Yes please' came the immediate reply
''You never have a cup of tea when I offer' I jested with her
'Well I never fancy one normally'
And out of the corner of my eye I caught her mouthing to John 'I don't like his tea'

So now the new carer is feeling good about himself, I made a point of saying 'Well at least she'll have a drink when you arrive'. whilst making a mental note of how he made her tea should I get a chance to make her one again.  John seemed ideally suited to the job if a little timid, so I made a lot of effort to encourage and alleviate some of his apprehensions.
By the end of the evening round I could see he was starting to relax and settle into the role, all my ladies and gents seemed to take to him and I was pleased that there may be another male carer joining our team who had similar views to me about  Care work.

The last call of the evening was to an elderly lady called Miriam who has her ups and downs with her moods. I did warn John beforehand, but was relieved to find Miriam in good spirits as we entered.

'Hello Miriam' I said as we walked in 'You have another man to look after you tonight'
'Oh lovely' she replied
'Would you like a cup of tea' said John, warming to his task
'Yes please'
So off he went into the kitchen which is within earshot of the lounge where  Miriam and I were sitting.
'Do you have milk and sugar?'  he calls through
'Milk. no sugar please'
Then Miriam turns to me
'Is he new then?'
'Yes, he's shadowing me tonight and will be out working on his own next week'
'How's he getting on?'
'Really well, I think he will make a good carer' I replied, aware that John was probably listening in from the kitchen
'He's not as good as you!!' came the blunt reply

Thanks Miriam that was all my ego boosting throughout the evening wiped  out in six words

The dilemma

James suffers from dementia; he is a busy little man who is always on the go, in fact he never sits down.
Just recently he had a fall and I called an ambulance to have him checked out. Having come back from hospital I was surprised to find that he had no medication, and when I asked he told me they had not given him any. He was obviously had a lot of pain in his back and could not even get out of the chair.
As the week passed by he was getting worse, so the son started giving him Paracetamol to ease the pain and after a week we called the doctor out again, asking why he had not been prescribed any drugs. It turned out that James had torn up the prescription because he wasn't going to poison his body.
So now we have some stronger pain killers and he is on the mend.


Or is he?

 Whilst he was not on medication he stayed put in his chair, resting; but now he is on medication he feels better and is on the move again. Because of his dementia he does not understand that the medication is improving his injury, and he still needs to rest. The pain goes away and he forgets he has any injury all together.

So I go round one day and find him vacuuming the floor and enter the next day to find him lying on the settee in agony

Part of me thinks
he may have got better quicker without the tablets

patience is a virtue

Weekends can be the most demanding and stressful time for carers; As we all have every other weekend off,  those of us  that are working are trying to fit in two rounds as best we can. So let me set the scene, I got up at 5.30 am to make my first call at 6am; I then work until 1.30pm and have an hour and a half break before starting again at 3pm. As the evening goes on I am gradually running behind for various reasons and I finally get to Lorna at 7pm knowing I still have another four calls to make before I can finally put my feet up.



Now Lorna is a fastidious lady who will always take the full amount of time allocated, even when she says she will hurry the minutes seem to disappear, but Heigh ho! that is just one of those things.
As I enter I make a point of saying I am sorry for being late and that I am in a bit of a hurry because I still have lots of people to see.
'Okay' she says 'let's make it quick'
Everything is going well until I start to help her undress. As she takes off her top I start to fold it up.
'Not like that' she says 'Let me do it'
Now I know I am in trouble,  this simple task will take forever as she meticulously folds the top like a complicated piece of origami; So I go to find something to fill the time; Scurrying off to the kitchen I make a sandwich for her supper and come back just as she is finishing.
On to her thermal vest, which she also insists on folding, so off  I go again, this time I prepare her bed, puffing up the pillows & duvet and pulling back the sheets.
'How are we doing?' I enquire through gritted teeth from the bedroom.
'Nearly done' came the reply. So in my ever increasing frustration to get finished, I quickly fill in my record of care notes before returning to her side,  She looks up, smiles and hands me the neatly folded items of clothing from her lap.

'Actually you might as well put them in the laundry basket, they'll need washing!'

I finally got home at 9.30pm

when size does matter.

Maud is a lovely lady who always makes me smile. She is very particular, as she puts it, whereas all the carers would say she suffers from OCD.  Today I was asked to go in to do her housework and get some shopping. We started with the bed.

'Can you pull the pillows  away so that they don't touch my headboard. If you line them up with the edge of the cupboard that will be perfect. Oh Dear you have put the sheet the wrong way round. Pull the sheet a bit further up, No not quite that far!

As I know her quite well now, I will point out at this point that we do seem to be back to where we started, to which she will giggle and then proceed with the next instruction

'Can you do hospital corners? came the final remark

'No! I am afraid not Maud, You'll have to show me how' I replied

'Well tuck the back in first and pull the corner away.'

'Ok'

'Now fold it across'

'OK'

'No! Not that way'

'Ok how about this way'

'No'

'I am sorry Maud there are only two ways I can go'

'Oh yeah!' she giggles again 'Oh well that'll have to do'

I explain all this so that you get a picture of what I am dealing with, but honestly she is quite likable and I really enjoy her company, especially as she laughs at all my jokes.

So onto the shopping; She hands me a list with everything neatly written out. Brand name,  size of container with an alternative if required.
To make sure there is no confusion we go through the list  and half way down the she comes to Vanish stain remover.

'Now you know what I mean Dear, the one that is a powder to go in the washing machine.

'Oh yes I know the one'

'I would like the smallest one they do but I am not quite sure on the actual size'

'OK'

I have given you £16, it should be enough'

Off I go to Tesco's and everything is going well, I have a few issues with some things but I am quite confident that it will be fine. Then I walk down the washing aisle to find the Vanish, and as I go to pick it up I notice that the smallest one, 750g is £6.90 but the 1kg is only £5.01.
Well obviously I picked up the cheaper one, whilst smiling to myself that she had not given me £16 by accident and she will be pleasantly surprised when I give her an extra £2 back

'Hello Maud I'm back'

'Did you get everything?'

'Yes and I saved you some money!'

'Oh good, how was that?'

I explained about the price difference.

'Oh Dear' came the reply with a look of concern on her face.

'Why?What's the problem?'

Maud leant forward and opened the cupboard door under the sink. There were all her cleaning bottles neatly lined up in height order with each one carefully turned so you could read the label; and right at the end was a gap.

'Well the reason I wanted the small one, is because it fits exactly into this spot under the cupboard.

PS. Since this blog was posted originally I have learned how to do hospital corners

hot legs

Before I begin this blog I must point out that I do not consider myself to be a sex symbol of any sort.

As the long awaited Summer has finally arrived, I have been wearing tailored shorts to do my rounds. Whilst talking to other carers, I have discovered that my legs are quite the topic of conversation amongst my ladies; Almost every carer I have spoken to knows that I am wearing shorts. Some ladies have even shouted out to me whilst another carer is ringing me from their home.

'Is Ian coming this afternoon? I hope he's still wearing his shorts.' etc.

I have taken all this in good spirit, and take the view that if it brightens up their day it must be
a good thing.

Today I was walking along a corridor in a residential home and happened to pass three elderly ladies standing outside one of the apartments. I was just about to turn and walk up the stairs when I heard one of the ladies say 'Cor! he's got nice legs!' 
I instinctively looked back and saw three pairs of eyes staring at me. Not one to miss an opportunity I made a flamboyant little quick step on the spot, before smiling at them and disappearing up the stairs
I could still hear them cackling when I got to the top.
I think it made my day as much as it did theirs

 I was in  the same care home again four days later and the same three ladies were in the corridor again.
'Can I squeeze past ladies'
'Ooo! Here he is girls, that man showing off his legs again'. came the cheeky comment. 'you can squeeze past us any time you like luv. (raucous laughter) When are you coming back down?
'I'm sorry to disappoint ladies, but I am going to be at least fifteen minutes'
'That's alright me dear, we can wait!

and they did!

The new kettle

Jack has just had a new kitchen fitted, and his daughter has been spending his money on finishing touches. 
'It looks great' I enthused 'are you pleased with it?
'Yes but I am not so keen on my new kettle,'
'Oh! why is that, it looks alright to me?'
'Well, it may look alright but it makes my tea tastes funny'
'Maybe it's because it's new, perhaps you should boil it up a few times'

No more was said until five minutes later when I went to make a cup of tea. As the kettle boiled it bubbled up and overflowed despite being less than half full.
'That's strange' I thought.
Then as went to mop up the water, I caught a sweet smell of perfume; I tasted the water and was immediately hit with a soapy taste.
'Well we can't drink that, I'll throw it away and try the old kettle'
So I poured the water away and started to fill the kettle again and it was at this point I heard a faint hum; I looked down and noticed that a modern soap dispenser had been thoughtfully placed between the taps. The kind that automatically dispenses soap when a light sensor detects that your hands are underneath, so every time you put the kettle under the tap, a measure of liquid soap is dispensed into the water.

Alexander the beetle

Last year I learnt the poem below to perform at Old Time Music Hall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgiven by A.A. Milne

I found a little beetle; so that Beetle was his name,
And I called him Alexander and he answered just the same.
I put him in a match-box, and I kept him all the day ...
Then Nanny let my beetle out -
Yes, Nanny let my beetle out -
She went and let my beetle out -
And Beetle ran away.

She said she didn't mean it, and I never said she did,
She said she wanted matches and she just took off the lid,
She said that she was sorry, but it's difficult to catch
An excited sort of beetle you've mistaken for a match.

She said that she was sorry, and I really mustn't mind,
As there's lots and lots of beetles which she's certain we could find,
If we looked about the garden for the holes where beetles hid -
And we'd get another match-box and write BEETLE on the lid.

We went to all the places which a beetle might be near,
And we made the sort of noises which a beetle likes to hear,
And I saw a kind of something, and I gave a sort of shout:
"A beetle-house and Alexander Beetle coming out!"

It was Alexander Beetle I'm as certain as can be,
And he had a sort of look as if he thought it must be Me,
And he had a sort of look as if he thought he ought to say:
"I'm very very sorry that I tried to run away."

And Nanny's very sorry too for you-know-what-she-did,
And she's writing ALEXANDER very blackly on the lid,
So Nan and Me are friends, because it's difficult to catch
An excited Alexander you've mistaken for a match.

 

I always finish the last line by clapping my hands together and accidently squashing the beetle, I then run off shouting 'Nanny'


As I became more confident with my lines I started to perform for my ladies and gents with varying responses, from bemusement as they wonder about my sanity, to absolute glee.  Even now I still occasionally perform it to new people if I feel it will brighten up their day; I affectionately call it  'Getting Alexander beetle out of his box.'
Recently I performed for one of my new ladies and the giggles I heard as I walked out of the door, were priceless.

This same lady has temporarily lost the use of her legs and lives in a flat with no lift.
'I'm doing a couple more steps a day' she told me' My aim is get down those stairs to see the outside world again'
Following my performance of Alexander, the lady was asking about my shows.
'I do Music Hall every year at the theatre just up the road'
'Oh It's a shame I can't get there, I'd enjoy that' she said
'Well I'll tell you what' I replied 'You get down those stairs by Christmas and I will come and pick you up and take you to the matinee.
Oh that is really lovely, thank you so much. Do you mean it?'
'Of course'
Then she burst into tears
'Thank you so much I now have a real purpose to get down those stairs'

If anyone else fancies coming along to my shows with the Lytton players visit
http://www.lyttonplayers.co.uk/

 

 

Precious Times

As I go round to see my ladies and gents it strikes me that the older we get the more value our time on earth.

 I was touched by a comment from a 95 year old gent today, who dutifully got up to go to the front door of his care home to see his daughter off. This involved a walk down three corridors and trip in the lift.

As he struggled to get out of his chair his daughter protested ‘You stay in your chair Dad, I'll be alright,  I'm sure the Carer has some things to do and probably wants to get on.’

‘No I have a mind of my own and I am going to come downstairs and see you off’ came the firm reply

　
I patiently waited the ten minutes for him to get back up to the room and as he sat down he apologised for making me wait before saying : -

‘I always like to walk down to the front door to say goodbye to my daughters. I may never see them again!’