Gallows humour

Edith is an independent lady who refuses to acknowledge the fact that she is getting on a bit. She is over 90 but still likes to get out and about despite her family telling her to take it easy and let them drive her about.

Yesterday as I entered her apartment found her sitting in her armchair with a huge black eye. 

'Goodness Edith, what have you done to yourself'

'I fell over outside Tesco' she replied casually.
'Tesco?' I said with a certain amount of shock. 'But that's on the other side of town!

'I know, I fell off of the bus' 

'What were you doing going to Tesco's when there is a shop round the corner?'

'Well my kettle broke, so I was taking it back'

'You should have waited until your daughter could take you'

'I know, I was a bit silly really; ended up at A&E for three hours and I have bruised all my ribs too'

'Yes it was more than a bit silly and I bet you didn't have your walking stick with you either'

'Nope and you know what was even sillier' she smirked 'it wasn't until later on that I realized that I had bought the kettle from Sainsbury's'

the water jug

Meals on wheels is a life line for a large number of elderly people. They provide a hot meal every day served on a plate from a friendly smiling face. The food is wholesome and provides a balanced diet for many who can't be bothered to cook and start to neglect their health. Like care workers, they are also another contact with the outside world for what would otherwise be a lonely existence. They also provide an information service to the elderly with various leaflets about health issues and awareness of cold calling fraudsters.





Earlier this year they gave all their customers a fleece blanket along with some instant hot drinks to help keep warm through the winter months.  I had to smile as I entered  each house and saw the now familiar black and white fleece folded on the side or laying on a lap.

'I see you have had a present from Meals on wheels' I would say to them
'Oh yes, isn't it lovely' and 'What a great idea' and 'It's keeping me nice and warm' came the regular replies.

No doubt pleased with the popularity of this gesture Meals on wheels tried again this week, giving a free water jug along with a letter explaining the importance of keeping hydrated. As a carer I thought this was a great idea as I calculated that 90 percent of my ladies and gents have had a urine infection at some time since I started and one gentleman has died.

Needless to say, I used the jug as a talking point, but unfortunately I was not greeted with the same positive responses as the blanket.

'Bloody thing taking up space'
'I can't drink all that in a day'
'I have spent all my life drinking tea, why should I start changing now?'
''I suppose it's some busy body up at the council trying to tell us what we should and shouldn't do again'
'You can tell those do gooders to stick their jug where the sun don't shine'

Coming from ladies and gentleman as old as a hundred who am I to argue; I obviously tried, but in most cases my protestations fell on deaf ears

I was beginning to get a bit wary about commenting on these unwanted gifts and receiving barrages of abuse;
There was one lady, however, that I was convinced would be pleased about her new jug. Despite having a lot of money, she would always make do with a coke bottle as her water receptacle, with myself and another carer always on the look out for a new one as a replacement when the old one got stale and began to smell.
'Why do I need to waste money on a proper jug when an old coke bottle will do' she would say
So as I entered her house I was pleased to see the new jug sitting on the side but dismayed to see it empty. Perhaps it had only just arrived I thought, so unperturbed and convinced she would be pleased with her new acquisition, I enquired if she liked it.

'Bloody thing, what a waste of time!' she replied
I was quite taken back by this retort and immediately started on my healthy living response.....
'But you need to drink plenty of water to stop urine infections'
'I know that!' she said
'And you of all people should know that'
'I know!'
'You had urine infection only last month'
'I know!
'And you could do with a new jug as those old coke bottles are unhygenic'
'I know!'
'So why are you not using it'
'Bloody thing leaks, it has a pin hole in the bottom, I fell asleep and woke up with water everywhere'

look on the bright side

I have the privilege of looking after a Centurion. She is a lovely lady who makes me smile with her no nonsense approach to life. We have some lovely conversations about her life as a child. One such story was how she regretted never learning to ride a bike. This was because her Father thought it inappropriate for girls to be riding bikes







Recently she has been under the weather and feeling a bit fed up with herself.
'It's terrible being old and living on your own' she said after the niceties had passed
'Yes, I can see that' I sympathised
'You don't see anyone from one day to the next, hardly anyone visits. Still what can you do? Read a newspaper; read a book, look out of the window;  I'm not one for watching television, so with these dark nights you end up going to bed at seven. It's no life you know' she continued
'I know, it must be lonely for you'
'Never mind dear' she said, bucking herself up ' It could be worse'
'How do you mean?' 
After a moments thought she smiled and said  'No bed!'

Ambiguity

Recently I had to attend a course on recording and reporting. Before I begin I must point out that this was a course for any company to attend so does not necessarily reflect on our carers.








I went along thinking that it was a bit of a waste of time to be honest, I mean all you have to do is write down anything you do and report to the office anything that you feel needs immediate attention.Having said that there were a few eye openers  What some of you may not know is that these reports are kept for up to seven years and can be used in a court of law. So potentially anything we write down could be held against us in a law suit if we get it wrong. Quite a responsibility when you consider that care workers are on about the same money as someone stacking shelves in a supermarket. Because of this you have to cover your back, stick to facts and write down names of people you have reported to etc. One thing that I and many other carers are guilty of is writing ‘All OK on exit’. Apparently some carers have been hauled into court because they have written that simple statement down and an individual has taken a turn for the worse after they had left. The carer then had to explain to the court, why they did not notice that he was about to have a heart attack.



On the lighter side was the ambiguity of abbreviations; It is something that we shouldn't do, but again many carers are guilty of writing things like MOW for meals on wheels and DN for District nurse.

The ones that made me laugh were the following: -

I noticed his BO when he went to the toilet.
PA was tied to his bed.
John AWOL


Imagine what the family would have thought if they had read them. see the innocent explanations below

BO - Bowels Opened

AWOL - All Well On Leaving

PA -pendant alarm

Animal Antics

Many of my ladies and gents have pets to keep them company. I have often found these four legged friends to be a useful tool when visiting someone for the first time, start talking about their beloved animals and you are the best care worker in the world.

In fact some animals rely on my calls as much as the people I am caring for, because it is also their opportunity for a toilet break and food.








I have two ladies with cats; The first lady often greets me with 'Where's my cats? I haven't seen my animals for three days. I bet that Cow next door has taken them in.' She will then lean out of the window and start shouting at the unfortunate lady to let her cats out of her house. I might add at this point that she only has one cat and the neighbour does not take it in, and this regular event takes place at about 7AM most mornings until the feline responsible for all this commotion returns,usually before I have to move on to my next call. I have to admit I am always glad if the cat has already returned before I arrive because it makes my life so much easier; if the cat is home I have a calm reasonable lady to deal with, whereas she will be very agitated and won't do anything until the little moggy has returned.
On Wednesdays  I arrive later for one reason or another and on one such occasion,  I could hear the lady shouting out of the window before I entered the house.
'I have lost my cat, someone has stolen him, I haven't seen him for three days, I bet it's her next door.'
 I spent the best part of the call calming her down by saying that he always comes home, I saw him yesterday and it's a nice day so perhaps he has decided to spend time in the sunshine. All to no avail. I have to admit to being concerned myself at this time of day and even took to shouting out of the window myself in a vain attempt to lure him home. Because the lady was so agitated and I had other calls to make, I rang the office to explain the situation before leaving some 40 minutes later. It was on the way out that I happened to glance into the bedroom and saw the cat innocently curled up on her bed oblivious to the consternation it had caused.

Another lady's cat always comes over for a stroke as I enter, but scuttles off the moment I start work because it knows that I am about to get the hoover out. It always seems to forgive me afterwards and  comes back purring as I sit down to fill in my care notes. All very nice but I wish that it did not sit on the page I am writing on.

And finally there is one lady that I visit with two beautiful collies called Ghost and Whiskey. When I arrive they go berserk which proves very difficult when trying to get in the door. Ghost, a stunning silver grey wolf like creature, immediately grabs his ball and barges Whiskey out of the way. Whiskey, the old boy of the two, then barks relentlessly in frustration, as if he wished he had thought about getting the ball first.

There is not much for me to do at this particular call apart from checking the lady is OK and has taken her meds, so I often stay for a chat a and more often than not play with the dogs especially when the conversation dries up a bit. I have even taken to training them to take turns with the ball and have to admit this is a bit of a treat for me as I used to have a dog and since she passed away, we have decided not to have another one due to health reasons.

After I had been visiting for a few months the lady concerned answered the door with a smile and said 

'I think my dogs think that you come to see them and not me.'

'Why is that?' I asked
'Well ten minutes before you arrive they have both started to sit by the front door waiting for you'

Mistaken Identity

Phylis lives all by herself rattling round in a huge house in the middle of nowhere. Because she has dementia, she gets very confused about what time of day it is and what we are coming in to do. I know that she particularly looks forward to my visits so I always try to stay patient with her as she repeats herself relentlessly throughout the call.  It's quite sad that all she really looks forward to in life is our four visits a day. As I leave she always wants to know how long she has to wait for the next carer to call and who it might be?

I had not seen her for about a week and was asked to go out to her at the last minute today because someone phoned in sick. As I enter the I hear her call from her sitting room.






'Hello, Who is it?
'It's Only Ian, Phylis'
'Oh Hello Ian. What have you come to do?'
'Well shall we go to the bathroom and get you washed, dressed and changed into some clean clothes'
'I hope you are a bit more 'with it' than last night'
'What do you mean?'
'Well you didn't seem to know what you were doing last night'
'I wasn't here Phylis'
'Yes you were, it took four attempts to get my pad on and you didn't even remember where the key was to lock up!'
'Definitely not me, I wasn't even working'
'I am sure he said his name was Ian'

'Then the penny dropped that we have another new carer called Ian working for us'

'Oh you mean Big Ian' I explained
'Why do you call him Big Ian?' she asked
'Because he is six foot five and I am five foot four'
'Oh that explains it, he does look like you though!

An hour later I happened to be speaking to BIG Ian to clarify a few things about some calls he was making that evening. I asked him how he got on with Phylis and he started laughing, it turned out that he had tried to put a new pad on with out taking the old one off and got in a right old pickle. I told him not to worry I have done similar things myself because you lose track with her continual bombardment of questions. He finished the story off by proudly repeating her passing words

'Thank you Ian you always make me laugh and I will always think of you as my friend'

I didn't have the heart to tell him that she thought she was talking to me.

Did I make you jump?

Maud is a lovely lady who is very hard of hearing. I will often make her jump when I arrive because the TV is on full blast and she has not realised that I have arrived. I spend most of my time communicating through sign language; be it pointing at things, a thumbs up or a simple T sign for a cup of tea. When I give her food I always show her the packaging to give her a choice and will stand in front of her with the plate of food to indicate it is time to sit at the table and eat. It was on one such occasion that she seemed a bit doddery walking with her frame to the table, so as she sat down  I placed my hand on her back. As with a lot of these situations it is very tight for space, making it awkward to help without being a hindrance. She immediately jumped in the air and nearly fell over. I quickly grabbed her and was obviously concerned that I had made her jump or worse still I had hurt her in some way. 
'I am sorry are you OK? Did I tread on your toes?' I shouted
'No I am just very ticklish' she giggled


As I look back it strikes me that it could be a turning point in our relationship as carer and patient ,because it seemed to break the barrier of her hearing problem and we chuckled for some time after as she ate her dinner